Lately I have been feeling very hurt and angry and I have
tried letting go of the feelings by saying that it was partly my fault. I have tried to find my fault in all of this . What I found was that I have spent a long time trying to please many people and little to please myself. Now this may sound trivial or repetitive but what can I say I can be thick at times. I always talk about things I would like to do and how I WILL do them but in the end I spend my time pleasing others. I want to travel yet I chose to stay in a job that I secretly and sometimes publicly hate. I say I want nicer people in my life but I continue to indiscriminately allow everyone into my life and then wonder why I get bit in the ass.
Yes, others have contributed to my overall unhappiness but I have helped them along the way. Wanting to fulfill other's expectations first allowed them to expect too much from me. What have I done about this? Well, I have now limited access to my life for some people but the main thing is I began therapy. It's not easy to say or to even describe but it's helped. It's only been 2 sessions but having an "objective" view of my situation has helped a lot. I don't think I'll be put on happy pills but I have to say that if I had remained where I was, I may have needed some of that happy. Therapy will hopefully give me some tools to handle future downturns in life and help me achieve some clarity in what path I should take. At least it will give me a safe place to vent and understand why I do some of the things I do.
I actually thought about this post for a long time before publishing. I have re-written, deleted, added, deleted again, so many times that it no longer resembles what I started writing. Honestly the first draft was a lot of anger and calling out some people. I decided I didn't need to call out anyone, no matter what they said to me or did. Let me tell you that there's been a few negative nancy's lately but I have done a decent job of moving past the issues. I am feeling better definitely but I think the thing that helped the most was the decision I took about my job. It was very freeing. After all is said and done, the fear of not finding a job is easier to deal with than the stress of my work. This had even interfered with my grateful list. I'll be back to this soon but I had also been kind of busy.
Well hope everyone had a great weekend!
Yes, others have contributed to my overall unhappiness but I have helped them along the way. Wanting to fulfill other's expectations first allowed them to expect too much from me. What have I done about this? Well, I have now limited access to my life for some people but the main thing is I began therapy. It's not easy to say or to even describe but it's helped. It's only been 2 sessions but having an "objective" view of my situation has helped a lot. I don't think I'll be put on happy pills but I have to say that if I had remained where I was, I may have needed some of that happy. Therapy will hopefully give me some tools to handle future downturns in life and help me achieve some clarity in what path I should take. At least it will give me a safe place to vent and understand why I do some of the things I do.
I actually thought about this post for a long time before publishing. I have re-written, deleted, added, deleted again, so many times that it no longer resembles what I started writing. Honestly the first draft was a lot of anger and calling out some people. I decided I didn't need to call out anyone, no matter what they said to me or did. Let me tell you that there's been a few negative nancy's lately but I have done a decent job of moving past the issues. I am feeling better definitely but I think the thing that helped the most was the decision I took about my job. It was very freeing. After all is said and done, the fear of not finding a job is easier to deal with than the stress of my work. This had even interfered with my grateful list. I'll be back to this soon but I had also been kind of busy.
Well hope everyone had a great weekend!
Good for you!! Honestly, I struggle with some of the same/similar things and should probably have some counseling sessions for it as well, but I use the (valid?) excuse of no time (single mom during the week) as my reason for not following through. I don't think I'm angry on a daily basis though, but I totally understand where you are coming from....I can particularly identify with your job frustrations. I am crazily looking for new employment as we speak as I cannot tolerate another School year in my current job. I sure hope something comes up for you and me in the job world.
ReplyDeleteWell I hear that Hawaii is hiring tons of counselors and teachers, maybe an island getaway is what you need? ;)
DeleteAs my therapist said, if you don't take care of you no one will. I am making more of an effort now to take care of myself.
Your therapist is right...and it's hard to do, especially for women (IMO) as we are "created" and usually raised to be caregivers to others, always putting ourselves last...it can be hard to put ourself first in order to take care. I know the battle well.
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