05 August 2016

Feelin' Good

Well hello everyone! How is everyone out there? Me well I'm OK, sort of I guess. I am still unemployed but not unhappy or even completely freaked out. I am well, actually pretty happy. Is that strange? I know had started to freak out because I have officially been unemployed for 2 months but it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Let me describe it a little.

#1 - I have enjoyed the time off, I have worked every month of the past 22 years of my life and this "break" has been a godsend. I really needed to just clear my head and truly find some peace, which I think I achieved for the most part. I'm still sort of freaking out but I've tried to not focus too much on that. Something that helped was that I had an interview 2 weeks ago and it seemed promising. It would be an amazing opportunity for me and has a lot more room for growth in the future, besides the great salary! The best part of it involves a lot of admin work but it is still in my field! I finished the interview and they did say it would take them 2 to 3 weeks to reach a decision and I'm assuming that's because they had others to interview. They may have gone in order of how the applications were received, if that was the case I may have been the first interviewee. I literally submitted my application the same day that job was posted. Yeah I was that excited.
~2 days old.

#2 - I now have a new nephew and let me tell you that those cute bundles are a great stress reliever, especially if you are not it's main source of nourishment. I feel for my sister, that is a difficult thing to do. He is a cutie pie and I love him to bits! I have not forgotten the oldest cutie pie either, I have actually made a greater effort to do things with him on a daily basis. This past weekend and most of this week I spent it helping out my sister and doing lots of babysitting. My mother had been here for the past month or so but she took a break too. I mean come on, a new baby plus a spoiled grandson? Abuelitas can only take so much. Yeah I got my fill of poopy diapers and hungry crying but I loved it too.

#3 - This is pretty important, at least I think so. I realized how sad and unhappy I was at my last job. Perhaps the situation wasn't the worst but I have to admit that it wasn't that okay either. Not even going to say close to best, because it only managed to make the OK list. It was partly the situation and partly the work itself. I think that's why #1 is still alright with me. I was decent at my work but honestly when it came down to it I just didn't see myself pipetting bacteria for the rest of my life. Not just that but I didn't have the desire or drive to continue that work. Some people are happy doing that day-in and day-out but not this Mexican. I needed something that I'm good at and that at the end of the day it ends. Yup, I really want an 8 to 5 scenario, never thought I would say that but there you go :)

Oh yeah and the garden is well, although I've stopped instagraming my photos because they were bad luck! Every single watermelon that I took a picture of or other plant for that matter - DIED!!!!! Yeah I stopped doing that and I now have 2 surviving cantaloupe plants, plus 3 large watermelons that will be ready in a few days. I hope. The front yard needs to be harvested for flower seeds and the grass is good. My "new" bathroom is also almost ready :) Oh yeah I redid the guest bath 2 weeks ago with my Dad! Pictures coming eventually.

Have a good weekend everyone!

06 July 2016

Progress Report

Well hello there, how have all of you been out there? Me busy with a brand new nephew! I've thrown in some gardening and cleaning but mainly the nephew thing. He has been a part of this world now for a week and he has an attitude issue already. I have also been spending a lot of time wishing for rain and a drop in temperature, yeah this week we are triple digits - ALL WEEK LONG. Yesterday's high was 101F (38C) and we expect a high of 105F (40C). I know it's trite to talk about weather but for goodness sake! I also feel kind of sorry for the new member of our family, as his first week is really hot.

Of course I have been family-centric this past week and am quite obsessed with the family addition. My mother arrived about 3 weeks ago and those days before the nephew were rocky for me as my mother was living with me until he was born. Now my mother is happily ensconced at my sisters house and doting upon her older grandson and newer grandson. I love my mother, and I repeat that often to myself but after having lived away from her for so long sharing living quarters is not the easiest thing for me. It also brought my father and my youngest sister to my home and that added some stress to the living situation. You see I am an old cat lady sans cats, entrenched in her ways and loving of her privacy. I repeated to myself that I love them too - often. I think that the biggest issue with these visits isn't them but more the memories of the past and that my family can't always move forward or stop negative behavior. My father for example has never liked my house, he also never misses a chance to remind me. My sister still doesn't understand that I am not a maid and messes just follow her. As for my mother, well nothing is ever enough, I know she cares and thinks she's helping but honestly all I can hear is negative criticism and poof! - I'm 10 years old again. I guess letting go of past hurts is difficult for all but one thing that has helped is therapy and knowing that just because they say it, it doesn't make it true. That last bit has been on repeat for 3 weeks now but I've learned to deal a little better by doing the following:
  • It is temporary. Nothing lasts forever and a few well-meaning mean remarks are not the end of the world, despite being hurtful.
  • Forgiveness is healing. Yes parents can be very hurtful but not always on purpose, yes things pass but if you don't forgive they fester. I've always heard that forgiveness is divine, not to me. That phrase to me alienates me from it's purpose to not only forgive but to heal
  • Speak up when needed and remain quiet when needed. I have learned to speak up when I really can't take it anymore but I also learned to pick my battles. No I will never agree with either of my parents on everything but unless it truly compromises my principles or my safety I do not need to pick a fight over every little thing.
  • Remember what is important. At the end of the day whether they like my clothing, weight, hair, or anything else that is superficial doesn't matter because I know that they do love me and when I've needed help they have been there for me. Every generation is different and how we express that love is also different, just because I love a certain way doesn't mean they have to love the same way.

Other than that I am officially beginning to freak out about the work situation but I have hope I will find something that is the right fit for me soon. I don't want to just settle but it is hard to tell myself to not jump at the first offer. I have to admit that I took June easy, however I have been working since I was 15 years old - a break was due. This month I hope to get a job and I will continue to work towards a better future. Speaking of working, I have continued my garden and although it is not perfect and weeds abound it has not diminished the joy I've taken in my bounty. I have beautiful watermelon, the cantaloupe is finally taking off, my Jujube tree is full of fruit, and although the pomegranate will not provide fruit this year, I know it will next year. I guess seeing that progress has also helped me stay positive, knowing that I can nurture food into this world helps me correlate to my abilities in other areas of life.

24 June 2016

Grateful Friday

Well hello there everyone, as news goes there's not much to share, I am still working on my yard -front and back - and still looking for work. Life has moved on and I am definitely in a better place emotionally. I am still visiting my therapist and it's been helpful because I had a few bumps when I left the lab. Lets just say that letting go of the negative has never been my strong suit and she's really helped me. I know I haven't done a Grateful Friday in a while but honestly it's not for lack of gratefulness, more like I have just been busy and happy. There have been some freak out days and sad days but for the most part I've been positive.

Yesterday was a sad day because I of course lamented my situation and everything that has been going on. I was not very positive and all I could do was think what am I going to do? I am going to starve, lose my house, and end up a vagabond. Then I reminded myself, a) you are to OCD to be a vagabond, b) you have money to survive for 3 months comfortably, c) your family would help if need be, finally d) you will find a job and you will succeed. Of course that didn't come until the end of the day but I made it through and I guess once in a while taking a mental health day is needed, even if you aren't working at the tim. Yeah I've never been good at the positive stuff, my mind has always been a worst scenario kind of person and that's a habit that isn't easy to give up.

Gratefully this Friday here is my list:

Wildflower garden.
  • I am grateful for enough strength to be able to do the work I have been doing for my home and family.
  • The days are longer and sweeter of late, I am definitely a helionist.
  • Very grateful for the little one that will arrive next week! Not me, my sister I would have shared a sonogram if it were me.
  • I am very grateful that I am out of the toxic environment I was in previously.
  • I am hopeful for the future, although this is not "gratefulness" per se, it is something to be happy for because hopeful was not a word I would have used to describe myself 2 months ago.
  • I am grateful for the friends that have stood by me and their support.
  • For the people that I know that are helpful and kind towards me.
  • Even for those that have not been kind to me or helpful because through it all they taught me valuable lessons.
  • Extremely grateful that this month has been so kind because I needed it.
Well what else is there to say? Nothing much more for this week but only that I hope that all are well and that everyone has a great weekend!

03 June 2016

Grateful Friday

I am on my 3rd day of unemployment and it has been kind of nice but soon enough full on panic mode will set in and I will take the first job offered to me. Actually I came a micron away from having a job last week and it was uplifting because I hadn't even applied there. They ended up hiring someone with a masters degree because it killed 2 birds with one stone but I honestly think I was the frontrunner for that position. It would have been an inconvenience to actually take that job but I admit that I was a little excited about it even if I would have had to move. Fresh air and new people would have been nice but I guess things tend to work out for the best and who knows perhaps there are better things around the bend.

My initial plans were to spend my days working in the garden but I have to admit that I have not stuck to all of my goals. The first day all I did was relax and wallow a little in self-pity but that is also the day I found out I didn't get the above position - oh yeah it was for chemistry teacher at a HS 90 minutes away from where I live. It also rained cats and dogs that day and the next so gardening has been out of the question. I also had a therapy session that day and that helped me move past the self-pity session. Second day I actually went through my house with my sister and got together a bunch of stuff to sell at a garage sale on Saturday, it was nice to slough off excess even if I don't actually have tons of excess stuff. Either way it was good to get rid of stuff associated to things that were negative or what-if's. Today I have spent most of the day doing chores around the house, I also have some books so I can study some for my certification and then some time with my sister to be able to organize the garage sale for tomorrow. Although by previous standards - that burn me out - I am not as productive, I still feel quite productive. 

So what am I grateful for this week?
  • I'm so grateful that I've let go of what I thought my life should be and am embarking on the possibilities it could be.
  • Especially grateful for my family and all their support.
  • Thankful for my friend Isa who has been a rock, I only hope I can be of help to her too.
  • Very grateful to my therapist who has been a great cheerleader when I have most needed it.
  • Grateful to find my center again and realize that 18 yo me had a pretty clear idea of who she was and I let others and time almost convince me that was too childish.
  • Glad that music is the salve that is readily available for my soul. I have to admit just listening to some good music helps me immensely. Probably why I got so mad at that one co-worker who insisted on no music in the lab, I need it to focus and for relaxation.
OK that last one was little philosophical and sarcastic me is rolling her eyes right now but it's true.
 Well I hope everyone has had a great week and you have a great weekend :)

28 May 2016

Grateful Saturday!

Some days gratefulness is not easy to come by, especially when you're looking at your neighbors green grass. Oh it is difficult to not compare, especially for me. One bad thing that I learned in my childhood was to compare myself - to everyone and anyone. Lately I've been doing it a lot more so I think this week's gratefulness post should be about things I'm grateful I can do - without comparisons.

  • I am surprisingly not a bad artist. I am creative.
  • I am quite good at all sorts of puzzles, which I think helped me a lot these past few years at work.
  • Despite having been twice bitten, I am not shy of looking for the good in others. I should be shy of trusting but what can I say I like to talk to people and find their good. Unfortunately I have met unsavory characters that have more bad than good, selfish mostly who will take a lot if you let them.
  • I am adventurous, perhaps not formula one racing adventurous but I love to try new things.
  • I am an excellent cook even if my nephew does not appreciate my palate :)
  • As a friend if you need me I will be there or at least will try my best to be there for you.
  • I am now an excellent gardner, well I think so :)
  • I think a decent writer as well, not that I've written much lately but I hope to have more time soon.
  • I am a good daughter, a great sister, and a loving friend.
  • Teaching is something I also do well and I enjoyed for the time I taught.
Not sure what else I'm good at but I also don't want to toot my own horn too much, besides I have bigger fish to fry now. Yesterday was the last day of actual work in the lab and although I left with some mixed emotions I left with a light heart and light of step. I was a bit emotional but at the same time I felt so free. I am a little worried about finding work but I'm looking forward to not going back to the laboratory. It was a difficult transition, especially because I felt like I was put down again and quite honestly forced to leave in a way. Part of it was how I handled things because I set impossible expectations at first and then attempted to change them because I was burned out and unhappy. I guess change does not come easy to anyone, employee or employer. Now all that is left is for me to return on Tuesday and close out my position. I feel very hopeful and relaxed.

Today was great, spent it with family and just chilled. I didn't worry about experiments or lab meetings or analyzing data, I simply enjoyed my family. Keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way because now I need to find a job! Have a wonderful weekend!

22 May 2016

Grateful Day!

I have a lot to be grateful for last week and this week! I may need to move the grateful post to another day because it seems I just cannot get my butt in gear lately. Anyway let's jump in!

  • The best thing about last week was that my little sister graduated from university! She is now officially out of school and part of the adult world! It's not the best club in the world but we are all so proud that she finished her program.
  • It rained! It has been great to see so much rain, we really needed the moisture. The ground was so dry! It's still raining.
  • My garden is looking good, even if I'm the one that has to say so :)
  • I had an interview that I aced, although it may lead to a dead end. More on this later.
  • I spent a great weekend with the family this past weekend. 
  • I have hope for the future, more so today than I did a month ago.
  • Therapy is progressing well and I am learning to be nicer to myself. I feel like my therapists biggest challenge is getting me to be nice to myself. If were just half as nice as I am to others, I think I wouldn't need therapy.
  • Work is going by quickly and I have been super busy. Obviously everything has to be done before I leave because who else will do it once I'm gone right? In science, it is never over and quite honestly at this point in time I am so ready to say sayonara! No doubt someone else will figure it all out and any contributions I have made will be forgotten. C'est la vie.
  • I have completed some major steps for a complete career change and they were kind of scary.
  • I am grateful especially for my family and friends.
Obviously life has been pretty hectic but I am really trying to focus on living in a balanced fashion because dedicating every waking thought to research is not healthy for me or anyone else. Work really has been a challenge lately, my instinct is to stay late and work my butt off but common sense tells me 4 hrs more will not really accomplish more. On the contrary I will be miserable and the work will suffer, as it had been. As for my home, the inside has suffered some but the yard is looking pretty good. I want to say life is good although at this exact moment I'm not feeling it because quite honestly it is good. Yes I am definitely starting to feel freaked out by not having a job lined up yet but the thought of continuing in research is just depressing. I'm a strong person, I have tolerated almost 7 years of absolute misery, breaks in between but miserable nonetheless. Some of the past 10 years of research have been good, I can't complain about all of them but the past 2 years have been particularly difficult because I was so unhappy. Enough of that, moving on! Hopefully to bigger and better things :)

I hope everyone has had a good weekend because I surely did!