06 July 2016

Progress Report

Well hello there, how have all of you been out there? Me busy with a brand new nephew! I've thrown in some gardening and cleaning but mainly the nephew thing. He has been a part of this world now for a week and he has an attitude issue already. I have also been spending a lot of time wishing for rain and a drop in temperature, yeah this week we are triple digits - ALL WEEK LONG. Yesterday's high was 101F (38C) and we expect a high of 105F (40C). I know it's trite to talk about weather but for goodness sake! I also feel kind of sorry for the new member of our family, as his first week is really hot.

Of course I have been family-centric this past week and am quite obsessed with the family addition. My mother arrived about 3 weeks ago and those days before the nephew were rocky for me as my mother was living with me until he was born. Now my mother is happily ensconced at my sisters house and doting upon her older grandson and newer grandson. I love my mother, and I repeat that often to myself but after having lived away from her for so long sharing living quarters is not the easiest thing for me. It also brought my father and my youngest sister to my home and that added some stress to the living situation. You see I am an old cat lady sans cats, entrenched in her ways and loving of her privacy. I repeated to myself that I love them too - often. I think that the biggest issue with these visits isn't them but more the memories of the past and that my family can't always move forward or stop negative behavior. My father for example has never liked my house, he also never misses a chance to remind me. My sister still doesn't understand that I am not a maid and messes just follow her. As for my mother, well nothing is ever enough, I know she cares and thinks she's helping but honestly all I can hear is negative criticism and poof! - I'm 10 years old again. I guess letting go of past hurts is difficult for all but one thing that has helped is therapy and knowing that just because they say it, it doesn't make it true. That last bit has been on repeat for 3 weeks now but I've learned to deal a little better by doing the following:
  • It is temporary. Nothing lasts forever and a few well-meaning mean remarks are not the end of the world, despite being hurtful.
  • Forgiveness is healing. Yes parents can be very hurtful but not always on purpose, yes things pass but if you don't forgive they fester. I've always heard that forgiveness is divine, not to me. That phrase to me alienates me from it's purpose to not only forgive but to heal
  • Speak up when needed and remain quiet when needed. I have learned to speak up when I really can't take it anymore but I also learned to pick my battles. No I will never agree with either of my parents on everything but unless it truly compromises my principles or my safety I do not need to pick a fight over every little thing.
  • Remember what is important. At the end of the day whether they like my clothing, weight, hair, or anything else that is superficial doesn't matter because I know that they do love me and when I've needed help they have been there for me. Every generation is different and how we express that love is also different, just because I love a certain way doesn't mean they have to love the same way.

Other than that I am officially beginning to freak out about the work situation but I have hope I will find something that is the right fit for me soon. I don't want to just settle but it is hard to tell myself to not jump at the first offer. I have to admit that I took June easy, however I have been working since I was 15 years old - a break was due. This month I hope to get a job and I will continue to work towards a better future. Speaking of working, I have continued my garden and although it is not perfect and weeds abound it has not diminished the joy I've taken in my bounty. I have beautiful watermelon, the cantaloupe is finally taking off, my Jujube tree is full of fruit, and although the pomegranate will not provide fruit this year, I know it will next year. I guess seeing that progress has also helped me stay positive, knowing that I can nurture food into this world helps me correlate to my abilities in other areas of life.

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