Lately

Lately I have been feeling very hurt and angry and I have tried letting go of the feelings by saying that it was partly my fault. I have tried to find my fault in all of this . What I found was that I have spent a long time trying to please many people and little to please myself. Now this may sound trivial or repetitive but what can I say I can be thick at times. I always talk about things I would like to do and how I WILL do them but in the end I spend my time pleasing others. I want to travel yet I chose to stay in a job that I secretly and sometimes publicly hate. I say I want nicer people in my life but I continue to indiscriminately allow everyone into my life and then wonder why I get bit in the ass.

Yes, others have contributed to my overall unhappiness but I have helped them along the way. Wanting to fulfill other's expectations first allowed them to expect too much from me. What have I done about this? Well, I have now limited access to my life for some people but the main thing is I began therapy. It's not easy to say or to even describe but it's helped. It's only been 2 sessions but having an "objective" view of my situation has helped a lot. I don't think I'll be put on happy pills but I have to say that if I had remained where I was, I may have needed some of that happy. Therapy will hopefully give me some tools to handle future downturns in life and help me achieve some clarity in what path I should take. At least it will give me a safe place to vent and understand why I do some of the things I do.

I actually thought about this post for a long time before publishing. I have re-written, deleted, added, deleted again, so many times that it no longer resembles what I started writing. Honestly the first draft was a lot of anger and calling out some people. I decided I didn't need to call out anyone, no matter what they said to me or did. Let me tell you that there's been a few negative nancy's lately but I have done a decent job of moving past the issues. I am feeling better definitely but I think the thing that helped the most was the decision I took about my job. It was very freeing. After all is said and done, the fear of not finding a job is easier to deal with than the stress of my work. This had even interfered with my grateful list. I'll be back to this soon but I had also been kind of busy.

Well hope everyone had a great weekend!

Grateful Friday

How was this week? Bad and good. The week started off badly but it ended on a slightly positive note – I guess. Partially bad because I saw some true colors (mine and others) but also good because I have made a decision that is going to impact me dramatically in a positive manner.  First lets go through the grateful list and then I’ll explain all the coming changes.

•  I woke up every day this week. Always good. 
• I had a day off during the week.
•  There is more sun in the evenings and I get to do stuff outside now! I missed the sun! I usually get out of work late, no matter what the entry time is, which means during daylight savings time I leave when it’s already dark or the sun is setting.
• I have great friends and an amazing sister. I really needed their support this week and they truly came through for me.
• I had surprise blue bonnets this week in my garden! I was surprised because nothing bloomed last year from any of the lupine seeds I planted but apparently they only bloom when they want to, at least in my case.
• I put away a good amount of money for a rainy day (not a whole lot but to me a lot).
• I got to play soccer and basketball with my nephew almost every day this week in the afternoons. That was fun and he seemed to enjoy the time together.
• I cleaned out my closet of clothing that does not fit and is outdated, a little hard to do but necessary.

Okay now for the big changes! Well, I am leaving science – I hope. I have spoken with my boss and we decided that this is not for me; I think he knew before I did but I’m glad he allowed me to give notice instead. Mind you when I left the last lab and moved to this one I was really unhappy at the time. When I started in this lab the people made it such a nice place to work that I pulled the wool over my eyes. Although I love to learn new things, I made the same mistake I had made before – I worked weekends and late nights and burnt myself out; at the same time setting ridiculous expectations for my employer of what my schedule would be. This is not the schedule I wanted or want, especially as my family is now closer. I want time to volunteer and not feel like I am failing at work for leaving at 18:30. I want to go home and cook a dinner and eat it before 22:00 or at least have dinner with my sister. I want to wake up during the weekend and not think about having to go to the lab.

I don’t have another job lined up but I have almost 2 months to find one before the cash flow stops. I did have an interview this week but they decided to go in a different direction. I literally went through the whole process – 1 phone interview, 1 online testing, and a final interview. The next day they emailed me, saying no thanks which was surprising because they had discussed salary, training, benefits, and scheduling at the end of the interview. I have no idea what went wrong or why they said no but I was really bummed afterwards. This is where the friends and family stepped in and helped out a lot!

Obviously I am still looking and hopefully I find something soon, my end date here is May 31^st and I have a small nest egg in vacation time. The company pays out unused vacation time and I have about 2 months’ worth of vacation time just sitting there; that can float me for a bit if I don’t find work in the interim. I gave my notice with the understanding that if I do find work prior to the end date then I leave before then and I really hope that I find work before then.  Otherwise I will be at work and finish up some projects before I leave.

I am scared and excited, I am also freaking out some but I have faith I will find something soon. Somewhere I can grow both in position and salary because this altruistic science thing does not pay the bills comfortably.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Grateful Friday

Almost. This week had been a good week, in comparison to past weeks you could classify it as really good but that is relative. Almost made it there too. It was a good morning and then I was asked something that threw a pall over the day and this week's accomplishments. I know that I shouldn't let one little comment make a difference but the implications to my work are rather detrimental. I hope that this is my imagination but I know my brain - it likes to obsess. Let's distract that little organ and focus on the positive.

• I have prioritized my time well this week.
• I finished the design for the back yard for this summer. I really needed to sit down and decide where I was going to place seeds and different veggies.
• I am also happy I didn't do the seed planting last weekend because we had freezing weather last night and probably tonight again. Yay procrastination!
• My bedroom is still relatively clean. Lately it had been a disaster and having cleaned it up a bit has really helped improve my mornings too.
• I got to see 2 friends that I hadn't seen in a long time and that was great. I have good friends.
• I have been at work rather early this week and that is a plus because sometimes getting out of bed is the biggest battle of the week or day. 
• We had a late night project at work this week that went rather well, at least in my opinion. 
• I had good news on Monday, I'm hoping to do a post about this next week.
• I had good talks with some friends and they gave me hope for the future.
• My family is happy and healthy. 

The last item is the most important thing in this whole list. My father had surgery last year before Christmas and he is doing well. My mother is also in good health. My sister and her family are in good health. My youngest sister is finally in good health, she apparently has a thyroid issue but it has been diagnosed and properly treated now. Life is not an easy road and it has kicked my butt on more than one occasion but for the most part I have found happiness and I will again. Today is not forever and it is not the whole past. 

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I will work at having a good one too!

Belated Grateful Friday!

Another late Grateful Friday but I had a lot to be grateful for last week so I'm going to go ahead and write it out!

• I am currently looking for better opportunities and growth in my life. I took 2 major steps towards that last week and it was great. 
• I got up each day with hope or at least I worked my way there.
• My parents came to visit and it was a great weekend for all! Including my little sis! We had fun and good food.
• My flowers are blooming, not everything but some of them, including the tulips! I didn't even think they were still alive but apparently some are still buried down there. 
• I had a demonstration of a machine called Evapor at the house and they got some ketchup out of my bedroom carpet and an old paint stain. I was impressed by the machine but not enough to fork out $3000 but I still got a free carpet cleaning for my bedroom.  :D

I don't remember all the details from last week but it was a better week. I felt less stressed and more hopeful than I have in a long time. Life is definitely not perfect and some days are rather difficult but at least things are looking up for me. There are a lot of changes going on with me right now but I don't feel at liberty to discuss them right now but be assured that I will most definitely be discussing them soon! At least I hope so.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Grateful Friday

This week being grateful is going to be very difficult. There were a lot of things that didn't work out for me and a deadline I did not meet. The latter has thrown a shadow over all of the week. I know I shouldn't define myself by my work because it's just a job, it is not all of me but it is very difficult to see myself or circumstances in any type of positive light. However, the point of being nicer to myself and these posts is to find the positive in my life and myself, so here goes.

• I have woken up every single morning this week, albeit with the help of an alarm but it counts.
• I took a positive step on Tuesday towards better mental and emotional well-being. I'm not quite ready to disclose details yet but it actually made the rest of the week much more bearable.
• I have written some kick-ass cover letters this week. Details to come.
• I have not killed any plants despite my lack of attention this week. 
• I had lunch with my bestie and have weekend plans with her.
• I let go of an issue that was bothering me, it was a nasty email and I let it go. 
• I watched a cool movie - "Man Up" a british comedy.
• Finally had some good results at work, even if the deadline was missed.

Outside of work I didn't have a whole lot of interactions with other people. My bestie works on a different floor now and I don't get to see her as often, just at lunch and not always. Currently my only human interactions involve co-workers, my sister is out of town so I'm on my own. Although my co-workers are nice, but they're co-workers. We do the friend thing outside of work but I think all of us sometimes just don't want to see each others faces. 

As for the deadline, I am disappointed in myself but there's nothing I can do now except keep on working and improve my situation. I tend to be very hard on myself and this has really brought me down. I hope I can move on from this funk soon.

Well there you have it, my list on the positive. If you think it's sparse it might be because I have been working extra hours, not a lot of other stuff going on at the moment. Hopefully, next week will be better.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Grateful Friday (Belatedly)

It is not next week yet and as I want at least one post on gratefulness per week, here's mine for this week.

• Despite my lack of control over how other people drive, I am still alive. I was almost hit the other day because a vehicle just decided to change lanes. I have since decided to be a little more defensive when driving.
• I have recovered from my everlasting cold! I was eventually diagnosed with a mild case of bronchitis but I am all better now. Cough is gone and so is the congestion!
• I had a great birthday dinner with my sister and an excellent lunch with my friends. This one is a little late but it was a nice day. My nephew went to school that day and told his teacher that it was a very special day. When asked he answered, "Because it's my tia's birthday!", a duh moment in his opinion, that made my day.
• My sleep quality has improved, although I could be better about going to bed earlier.
• I have really great friends in my life, even if I don't always acknowledge how amazing they are. 

This week posed a challenge in finding the positive things because it was tough. I'm not even sure if I believe everything I've written today. Life goes on and changes need to be made and the above is one small step in that direction. I'm not giving up because I know that better times are ahead.