Grateful Saturday!

Some days gratefulness is not easy to come by, especially when you're looking at your neighbors green grass. Oh it is difficult to not compare, especially for me. One bad thing that I learned in my childhood was to compare myself - to everyone and anyone. Lately I've been doing it a lot more so I think this week's gratefulness post should be about things I'm grateful I can do - without comparisons.

• I am surprisingly not a bad artist. I am creative.
• I am quite good at all sorts of puzzles, which I think helped me a lot these past few years at work.
• Despite having been twice bitten, I am not shy of looking for the good in others. I should be shy of trusting but what can I say I like to talk to people and find their good. Unfortunately I have met unsavory characters that have more bad than good, selfish mostly who will take a lot if you let them.
• I am adventurous, perhaps not formula one racing adventurous but I love to try new things.
• I am an excellent cook even if my nephew does not appreciate my palate :)
• As a friend if you need me I will be there or at least will try my best to be there for you.
• I am now an excellent gardner, well I think so :)
• I think a decent writer as well, not that I've written much lately but I hope to have more time soon.
• I am a good daughter, a great sister, and a loving friend.
• Teaching is something I also do well and I enjoyed for the time I taught.

Not sure what else I'm good at but I also don't want to toot my own horn too much, besides I have bigger fish to fry now. Yesterday was the last day of actual work in the lab and although I left with some mixed emotions I left with a light heart and light of step. I was a bit emotional but at the same time I felt so free. I am a little worried about finding work but I'm looking forward to not going back to the laboratory. It was a difficult transition, especially because I felt like I was put down again and quite honestly forced to leave in a way. Part of it was how I handled things because I set impossible expectations at first and then attempted to change them because I was burned out and unhappy. I guess change does not come easy to anyone, employee or employer. Now all that is left is for me to return on Tuesday and close out my position. I feel very hopeful and relaxed.

Today was great, spent it with family and just chilled. I didn't worry about experiments or lab meetings or analyzing data, I simply enjoyed my family. Keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way because now I need to find a job! Have a wonderful weekend!

Grateful Day!

I have a lot to be grateful for last week and this week! I may need to move the grateful post to another day because it seems I just cannot get my butt in gear lately. Anyway let's jump in!

• The best thing about last week was that my little sister graduated from university! She is now officially out of school and part of the adult world! It's not the best club in the world but we are all so proud that she finished her program.
• It rained! It has been great to see so much rain, we really needed the moisture. The ground was so dry! It's still raining.
• My garden is looking good, even if I'm the one that has to say so :)
• I had an interview that I aced, although it may lead to a dead end. More on this later.
• I spent a great weekend with the family this past weekend. 
• I have hope for the future, more so today than I did a month ago.
• Therapy is progressing well and I am learning to be nicer to myself. I feel like my therapists biggest challenge is getting me to be nice to myself. If were just half as nice as I am to others, I think I wouldn't need therapy.
• Work is going by quickly and I have been super busy. Obviously everything has to be done before I leave because who else will do it once I'm gone right? In science, it is never over and quite honestly at this point in time I am so ready to say sayonara! No doubt someone else will figure it all out and any contributions I have made will be forgotten. C'est la vie.
• I have completed some major steps for a complete career change and they were kind of scary.
• I am grateful especially for my family and friends.

Obviously life has been pretty hectic but I am really trying to focus on living in a balanced fashion because dedicating every waking thought to research is not healthy for me or anyone else. Work really has been a challenge lately, my instinct is to stay late and work my butt off but common sense tells me 4 hrs more will not really accomplish more. On the contrary I will be miserable and the work will suffer, as it had been. As for my home, the inside has suffered some but the yard is looking pretty good. I want to say life is good although at this exact moment I'm not feeling it because quite honestly it is good. Yes I am definitely starting to feel freaked out by not having a job lined up yet but the thought of continuing in research is just depressing. I'm a strong person, I have tolerated almost 7 years of absolute misery, breaks in between but miserable nonetheless. Some of the past 10 years of research have been good, I can't complain about all of them but the past 2 years have been particularly difficult because I was so unhappy. Enough of that, moving on! Hopefully to bigger and better things :)

I hope everyone has had a good weekend because I surely did!

Belated Grateful Friday!

Well I have just not been good about doing these posts but I do enjoy doing the grateful list.

• I cleaned part of the front yard! A very small portion of the yard is now weed free and has basil seeds that will hopefully come up soon.
• I attended a job fair on Friday and I got my name out there.
• A company contacted me for a preliminary interview, a little nervous about that.
• My whole family was in town to celebrate my nephew's birthday and that was fun.
• I woke up everyday last week feeling good about myself.

I feel like I've made progress and that things seem to be looking up but I'm not going to call it a success just yet because it seems that my life is more down than up some weeks or months or years. The therapy continues and I am really trying hard to follow my therapist's advice but some days are easier than others. Last week had a couple of bitter pills but overall I managed things well. At least I think I did. We'll see how everything progresses but I have hope and I have a semi-plan. After all, the best laid plans of mice and (wo)men often go awry. Hopefully I will have some news concerning work soon!

Hope everyone had a great week and weekend!

Belated Grateful Friday

I have a lot to be thankful for, especially these past 2 weeks. My life is slowly changing and I am looking forward to a lot of these changes. Although right about now I am truly freaking out because I have not found

My Jujube tree, lots of chile planted,
some corn, and cantaloupe!

a job yet. I perhaps jumped the gun but at the same time I no longer felt welcome or comfortable in my job so I figured better jump ship while the jumping was good. What is done is done, no point in freaking out now I guess, just need to plow ahead.

OK, grateful list coming your way:

• I have maintained weight, not a great number but maintained.
•  I feel much less stressed.
• I am hopeful I will find a job soon.
• Weather was amazing this last week.
• I finished planting my veggies! The little garden actually looks really nice.
• My sisters and I are going through a really great point in our relationships.
• My parents and I are going through a good transformation in our relationship too. This is big because my relationship with them has not always been – nice.
•  Although there is a bunch of crazy scary up in the air I feel good, better than I have in a long time!

Well for this last week this is the list and I’m happy for all that it brought. I hope everyone has had a great week!

Lately

Lately I have been feeling very hurt and angry and I have tried letting go of the feelings by saying that it was partly my fault. I have tried to find my fault in all of this . What I found was that I have spent a long time trying to please many people and little to please myself. Now this may sound trivial or repetitive but what can I say I can be thick at times. I always talk about things I would like to do and how I WILL do them but in the end I spend my time pleasing others. I want to travel yet I chose to stay in a job that I secretly and sometimes publicly hate. I say I want nicer people in my life but I continue to indiscriminately allow everyone into my life and then wonder why I get bit in the ass.

Yes, others have contributed to my overall unhappiness but I have helped them along the way. Wanting to fulfill other's expectations first allowed them to expect too much from me. What have I done about this? Well, I have now limited access to my life for some people but the main thing is I began therapy. It's not easy to say or to even describe but it's helped. It's only been 2 sessions but having an "objective" view of my situation has helped a lot. I don't think I'll be put on happy pills but I have to say that if I had remained where I was, I may have needed some of that happy. Therapy will hopefully give me some tools to handle future downturns in life and help me achieve some clarity in what path I should take. At least it will give me a safe place to vent and understand why I do some of the things I do.

I actually thought about this post for a long time before publishing. I have re-written, deleted, added, deleted again, so many times that it no longer resembles what I started writing. Honestly the first draft was a lot of anger and calling out some people. I decided I didn't need to call out anyone, no matter what they said to me or did. Let me tell you that there's been a few negative nancy's lately but I have done a decent job of moving past the issues. I am feeling better definitely but I think the thing that helped the most was the decision I took about my job. It was very freeing. After all is said and done, the fear of not finding a job is easier to deal with than the stress of my work. This had even interfered with my grateful list. I'll be back to this soon but I had also been kind of busy.

Well hope everyone had a great weekend!

Grateful Friday

How was this week? Bad and good. The week started off badly but it ended on a slightly positive note – I guess. Partially bad because I saw some true colors (mine and others) but also good because I have made a decision that is going to impact me dramatically in a positive manner.  First lets go through the grateful list and then I’ll explain all the coming changes.

•  I woke up every day this week. Always good. 
• I had a day off during the week.
•  There is more sun in the evenings and I get to do stuff outside now! I missed the sun! I usually get out of work late, no matter what the entry time is, which means during daylight savings time I leave when it’s already dark or the sun is setting.
• I have great friends and an amazing sister. I really needed their support this week and they truly came through for me.
• I had surprise blue bonnets this week in my garden! I was surprised because nothing bloomed last year from any of the lupine seeds I planted but apparently they only bloom when they want to, at least in my case.
• I put away a good amount of money for a rainy day (not a whole lot but to me a lot).
• I got to play soccer and basketball with my nephew almost every day this week in the afternoons. That was fun and he seemed to enjoy the time together.
• I cleaned out my closet of clothing that does not fit and is outdated, a little hard to do but necessary.

Okay now for the big changes! Well, I am leaving science – I hope. I have spoken with my boss and we decided that this is not for me; I think he knew before I did but I’m glad he allowed me to give notice instead. Mind you when I left the last lab and moved to this one I was really unhappy at the time. When I started in this lab the people made it such a nice place to work that I pulled the wool over my eyes. Although I love to learn new things, I made the same mistake I had made before – I worked weekends and late nights and burnt myself out; at the same time setting ridiculous expectations for my employer of what my schedule would be. This is not the schedule I wanted or want, especially as my family is now closer. I want time to volunteer and not feel like I am failing at work for leaving at 18:30. I want to go home and cook a dinner and eat it before 22:00 or at least have dinner with my sister. I want to wake up during the weekend and not think about having to go to the lab.

I don’t have another job lined up but I have almost 2 months to find one before the cash flow stops. I did have an interview this week but they decided to go in a different direction. I literally went through the whole process – 1 phone interview, 1 online testing, and a final interview. The next day they emailed me, saying no thanks which was surprising because they had discussed salary, training, benefits, and scheduling at the end of the interview. I have no idea what went wrong or why they said no but I was really bummed afterwards. This is where the friends and family stepped in and helped out a lot!

Obviously I am still looking and hopefully I find something soon, my end date here is May 31^st and I have a small nest egg in vacation time. The company pays out unused vacation time and I have about 2 months’ worth of vacation time just sitting there; that can float me for a bit if I don’t find work in the interim. I gave my notice with the understanding that if I do find work prior to the end date then I leave before then and I really hope that I find work before then.  Otherwise I will be at work and finish up some projects before I leave.

I am scared and excited, I am also freaking out some but I have faith I will find something soon. Somewhere I can grow both in position and salary because this altruistic science thing does not pay the bills comfortably.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!