Lately

Lately I have been feeling very hurt and angry and I have tried letting go of the feelings by saying that it was partly my fault. I have tried to find my fault in all of this . What I found was that I have spent a long time trying to please many people and little to please myself. Now this may sound trivial or repetitive but what can I say I can be thick at times. I always talk about things I would like to do and how I WILL do them but in the end I spend my time pleasing others. I want to travel yet I chose to stay in a job that I secretly and sometimes publicly hate. I say I want nicer people in my life but I continue to indiscriminately allow everyone into my life and then wonder why I get bit in the ass.

Yes, others have contributed to my overall unhappiness but I have helped them along the way. Wanting to fulfill other's expectations first allowed them to expect too much from me. What have I done about this? Well, I have now limited access to my life for some people but the main thing is I began therapy. It's not easy to say or to even describe but it's helped. It's only been 2 sessions but having an "objective" view of my situation has helped a lot. I don't think I'll be put on happy pills but I have to say that if I had remained where I was, I may have needed some of that happy. Therapy will hopefully give me some tools to handle future downturns in life and help me achieve some clarity in what path I should take. At least it will give me a safe place to vent and understand why I do some of the things I do.

I actually thought about this post for a long time before publishing. I have re-written, deleted, added, deleted again, so many times that it no longer resembles what I started writing. Honestly the first draft was a lot of anger and calling out some people. I decided I didn't need to call out anyone, no matter what they said to me or did. Let me tell you that there's been a few negative nancy's lately but I have done a decent job of moving past the issues. I am feeling better definitely but I think the thing that helped the most was the decision I took about my job. It was very freeing. After all is said and done, the fear of not finding a job is easier to deal with than the stress of my work. This had even interfered with my grateful list. I'll be back to this soon but I had also been kind of busy.

Well hope everyone had a great weekend!

Grateful Friday

How was this week? Bad and good. The week started off badly but it ended on a slightly positive note – I guess. Partially bad because I saw some true colors (mine and others) but also good because I have made a decision that is going to impact me dramatically in a positive manner.  First lets go through the grateful list and then I’ll explain all the coming changes.

•  I woke up every day this week. Always good. 
• I had a day off during the week.
•  There is more sun in the evenings and I get to do stuff outside now! I missed the sun! I usually get out of work late, no matter what the entry time is, which means during daylight savings time I leave when it’s already dark or the sun is setting.
• I have great friends and an amazing sister. I really needed their support this week and they truly came through for me.
• I had surprise blue bonnets this week in my garden! I was surprised because nothing bloomed last year from any of the lupine seeds I planted but apparently they only bloom when they want to, at least in my case.
• I put away a good amount of money for a rainy day (not a whole lot but to me a lot).
• I got to play soccer and basketball with my nephew almost every day this week in the afternoons. That was fun and he seemed to enjoy the time together.
• I cleaned out my closet of clothing that does not fit and is outdated, a little hard to do but necessary.

Okay now for the big changes! Well, I am leaving science – I hope. I have spoken with my boss and we decided that this is not for me; I think he knew before I did but I’m glad he allowed me to give notice instead. Mind you when I left the last lab and moved to this one I was really unhappy at the time. When I started in this lab the people made it such a nice place to work that I pulled the wool over my eyes. Although I love to learn new things, I made the same mistake I had made before – I worked weekends and late nights and burnt myself out; at the same time setting ridiculous expectations for my employer of what my schedule would be. This is not the schedule I wanted or want, especially as my family is now closer. I want time to volunteer and not feel like I am failing at work for leaving at 18:30. I want to go home and cook a dinner and eat it before 22:00 or at least have dinner with my sister. I want to wake up during the weekend and not think about having to go to the lab.

I don’t have another job lined up but I have almost 2 months to find one before the cash flow stops. I did have an interview this week but they decided to go in a different direction. I literally went through the whole process – 1 phone interview, 1 online testing, and a final interview. The next day they emailed me, saying no thanks which was surprising because they had discussed salary, training, benefits, and scheduling at the end of the interview. I have no idea what went wrong or why they said no but I was really bummed afterwards. This is where the friends and family stepped in and helped out a lot!

Obviously I am still looking and hopefully I find something soon, my end date here is May 31^st and I have a small nest egg in vacation time. The company pays out unused vacation time and I have about 2 months’ worth of vacation time just sitting there; that can float me for a bit if I don’t find work in the interim. I gave my notice with the understanding that if I do find work prior to the end date then I leave before then and I really hope that I find work before then.  Otherwise I will be at work and finish up some projects before I leave.

I am scared and excited, I am also freaking out some but I have faith I will find something soon. Somewhere I can grow both in position and salary because this altruistic science thing does not pay the bills comfortably.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Grateful Friday

Almost. This week had been a good week, in comparison to past weeks you could classify it as really good but that is relative. Almost made it there too. It was a good morning and then I was asked something that threw a pall over the day and this week's accomplishments. I know that I shouldn't let one little comment make a difference but the implications to my work are rather detrimental. I hope that this is my imagination but I know my brain - it likes to obsess. Let's distract that little organ and focus on the positive.

• I have prioritized my time well this week.
• I finished the design for the back yard for this summer. I really needed to sit down and decide where I was going to place seeds and different veggies.
• I am also happy I didn't do the seed planting last weekend because we had freezing weather last night and probably tonight again. Yay procrastination!
• My bedroom is still relatively clean. Lately it had been a disaster and having cleaned it up a bit has really helped improve my mornings too.
• I got to see 2 friends that I hadn't seen in a long time and that was great. I have good friends.
• I have been at work rather early this week and that is a plus because sometimes getting out of bed is the biggest battle of the week or day. 
• We had a late night project at work this week that went rather well, at least in my opinion. 
• I had good news on Monday, I'm hoping to do a post about this next week.
• I had good talks with some friends and they gave me hope for the future.
• My family is happy and healthy. 

The last item is the most important thing in this whole list. My father had surgery last year before Christmas and he is doing well. My mother is also in good health. My sister and her family are in good health. My youngest sister is finally in good health, she apparently has a thyroid issue but it has been diagnosed and properly treated now. Life is not an easy road and it has kicked my butt on more than one occasion but for the most part I have found happiness and I will again. Today is not forever and it is not the whole past. 

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I will work at having a good one too!